There seldom comes a romance of the caliber of Ant-Head: A Love Story. Joe Plume is a fan fiction writer and a cubicle-dweller, and his love life is non-existent. That is, until he meets Tammy, anyway, a new coworker who he knows from his past, a past where he was a boy cruelly called Ant-Head by his peers.
What follows is just a taste of Budgie Bigelow’s eleventh book. The prologue was previously posted, and you can read it by clicking here. If you want to check out the book on Amazon (available in paperback or digital), you can do so by clicking here.
Without further ado, please enjoy this excerpt from Chapter Five:
Urkel’s Untapped Penchant for Sending Dick Pics
I said goodbye to Tammy when the workday was complete, and yes, I stayed awake for almost the entire hour. It was nothing short of a miracle, but it happened.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Tammy said with a small smirk as she got into her car in the parking lot. I only waved, smiled back, and got into my own car.
I sat there for a moment, watching her pull out and leave the R&RUS parking lot. She had done it. She had made me nervous as ever for our date on Saturday with her one act of kindness. I had no idea what to wear, what to say, or what to think. I didn’t even know if I’d remember to breathe or not for God’s sake. All I knew was that I had my first date in a long time, and I had no idea how to conduct myself other than the lessons taught to me through hours of sitcom-watching over the course of my life.
On my way home, I thought who I should be for my date. Charlie Harper from Two and a Half Men could be a decent choice, but he was kind of a scumbag, personified by the actor who played him somehow being a worse one in real life. I’m thinking more of someone along the lines of ladies’ man Dwayne Wayne from A Different World. That one might be a little obscure, and I don’t know enough about that show to pull it off. There were lots of others. Joey Tribbiani, Sam Malone, The Fonz, Barney Stinson, Ellen… Anyone, as long as I didn’t emulate Cliff Huxtable (the off-camera version of Bill Cosby anyway).
I guess I’d have to wing it and figure out who to emulate when I was out on the date, but I was leaning toward Sam Malone.
I was being ridiculous, of course. If decades of watching sitcoms had taught me anything, it was that women want you to be yourself on your first date. All pretending to be someone else ever accomplished was getting an abrupt end of the date and an outing of the pretender around twenty-seven minutes into the episode. Tammy liked me for me. I hadn’t really pretended to be anyone else. I hadn’t had the time to even think about altering my persona.
Friday night and most of Saturday were unimpressive. I tried my best to do my writing, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Tammy.
I wanted to text her so bad on Friday night, but what would I say? What can I say to her without coming across as desperate and lonely? This is why I like older sitcoms, before the advent of cell phones. Texting would ruin any sitcom romance in no time flat. Imagine if Steve Urkel had a Twitter account and could hit on chicks across the country. There’s no way he’d stay obsessed with Laura Winslow. He may have even gotten desperate enough to send a dick pic, earning himself a permanent banishment from the Winslow house.
Carl Winslow stands in front of Steve Urkel, wearing his police uniform, posing in his most intimidating stance, despite the huge gut hanging from his torso.
“Steve, did you send my daughter a picture of your penis?!” he exclaims.
Steve feigns surprise. “Did I do that?!”
Yes, you did, Steve. Your penis appears next to your phone number on Laura’s phone. How the hell did you think this would end?
I hope that’s enough of a monologue to earn a bit of forgiveness for speeding things up a bit and getting to my date. Needless to say, I did some work on a Family Matters fan fiction, but nothing about cell phones and dick pics. I believe you already know my feelings on writing parodies.
Here’s one more for the road: A Law and Order spinoff featuring a menagerie of sitcom characters. The arresting officer is Carl Winslow. The Judge is Phillip Banks from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. The criminal? That’s Cliff Huxtable. I won’t even mention what he did to get arrested…
Here’s the obligatory list of links: