Starr Crossed Advice, 07/17/18

Welcome to our all-new feature; Starr Crossed Advice, where our followers and friends send in questions to receive free advice from me, Matt Starr. I am an accomplished failure in most, if not all, aspects of my life and am in no way, shape, or form qualified to give you advice on anything. But I’m going to anyway, because why the fuck not?

All advice given is for entertainment purposes only.

So let’s get to your questions!

I’ve worked in high-volume call centers before. How do you stop from getting burned out on the work load?

Dear Switch Bored,

Yeah, I gave you a punny name. Deal with it.

What you really need to do to get through the day is to become addicted to certain substances and then nurture those addictions regularly. Nothing will pick you up from a slow burn like a cigarette and a Mountain Dew every couple of hours. Or every hour. Depends on how long you can get away with being off your station. Just make sure you stack your fixes, by which I mean going out for your next fix before you’ve crashed from your previous. That should keep you going.

I mean, if you’re not looking to pick up smoking or becoming addicted to caffeine, you can always keep some almonds or some crap close by and have a small, high-protein snack every two hours. But whatever, it’s your call.

This lady said I have issues with my mom, but I don’t think so. Do I?

Dear Mama’s Boy,

I don’t know how you expect me to know the nature of your relationship with your mother. It boils down to one of two things for me:

1 – You’re strangely close to your mother and it’s creeping this other woman out. Cut the cord.

2 – She needs to mind her own fucking business and leave your mom out of it.

Hope that helps. But it probably doesn’t. But that’s your fault. Give me more to work with next time.

I keep thinking of that one scene in “Love, Actually”. What if instead of Keira Knightly, the husband answered the door? I’d like to know what back-up plan he had, if any, for that eventuality.

Dear Nitpicker,

Yeah, that’s a good question. I guess he’d be professing his love to Chiwetel Ejiofor. But at least he’s got some meat on his bones, am I right? Keira needs to start eating nightly, if you catch my drift. But anyway, I digress. I can’t really think of an explanation as to why you’d be ringing the bell holding a boom-box with several large cue cards confessing your forbidden love. “Ugh, yeah, I guess I want to fuck your wife or something. We cool, bro?”

It’s just not a well thought-out plan. I just don’t know what to tell you. I’d never do something this idiotic and over-the-top, especially to a friend’s wife or someone that skinny, so I really don’t know what a contingency plan for that situation would look like. Toss the cards and run? No idea, fam. Guess the movie’s still a beloved classic even though no real person would ever fucking do this bullshit-ass shit. You know what? Fuck this movie! Fuck you, Richard Curtis!

Is my poop supposed to be this color?

Dear Color-Me-Befuddled,

No. If you even have to ask, then no.

And thank you for not attaching a picture.

I have an issue with my indoor garden becoming way too pungently skunkish.

Dear Tom Green-Thumb,

Yes, Tom Green married Tom Thumb and hyphenated.

Most experience I have with indoor gardening is watching my ex-wife murder thousands of dollars worth of plants over the course of our relationship. So there’s not much I know on this subject. My advice to everyone is to switch to Succulents. They don’t smell and require a minimum of care. You barely even have to water them. Other than that, I have no advice. Sorry.

Hi, this is probably a really out there question for you, but how do you suggest best handling anxiety over going to college? I’m starting this fall, and as the time creeps near, my heart might fall out my butt. Any advice? Thanks!

Dear Medically Misinformed,

I was going to tell you to be sure to clench in moments of great anxiety as to prevent your heart from slipping through your rectum and into your panties, but then I did a little research. It turns out that the human heart is not at all connected to the anus and it is therefore medically impossible for one’s heart to fall out of one’s butt. Hope you’ve got Basic Human Anatomy on your course list.

As for the anxiety itself, the best thing you can do is live in denial as long as possible. Just keep living your life that it’s so far off that it’s not really something you need to worry about. Like, that’s future you’s problem. That’s practically a different person!

But I understand that’s just a stall as the change is coming and you can’t do anything to stop it. Commence the heart shitting!

Now, I didn’t have to move away to go to college, but I’ve been in a similar situation. Three years ago my wife (now my ex-wife, the cunt) took a job that would require me to move from Connecticut to Tampa, Florida. I can tell you now, I really didn’t want to go. I would have been shitting all kinds of internal organs were it medically possible (again, by the way, it’s not). To get through this anxiety I kept telling myself that being scared wasn’t a reason not to go, that this was just something that was happening and, even though I was moving to a completely different life, it wasn’t something that could absolutely defeat me. I mean, the resentment of me having to move and her having to support me while I looked for a job was the first spark that would eventually ignite the inferno that destroyed my marriage; but that part was unique to my situation.

Human beings have an amazing ability to adapt to anything. I know it’s terrifying now, but change isn’t something you should fear. It just means your life is going to be different from then on. Give it 28 days and you’ll be comfortable in your new routines and your new life.

There’s nothing I can say to make you less anxious of the changes that are coming. Just know that it isn’t something you can’t handle.

And just to be clear, and I can’t stress this enough, there is no chance that your heart could actually come out of your ass. That’s not something you need to worry about.

Well, that’s it for this week. Lots more poop content than I’d hoped, but maybe I actually helped someone out there. If not, whatever, I’m not a shrink.

Want to get your question answered but an unqualified guru? Email your inquiries to StarrCrossed@amillionandonemagazine.com. All advice given is 100% anonymous and for entertainment purposes only (I have to say that last part). Hope to hear for you!

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