Starr Crossed Advice

Starr Crossed Advice, 7/24/2018

So we’ve all survived another week. Go us! I know the only thing keeping many of us going is that Tuesday means another edition of our advice column featuring advice from yours truly, Matt Starr. So here we go, about to ruin some lives!

Always remember all advice given is for entertainment purposes only. You can’t come after me if I inadvertently ruin your life. Or if I vertently ruin it. Not my fault.

You made the claim on Twitter to be a customer service guru. So answer this: I just got promoted to manager but the staff won’t listen to me. What do I do?

Dear Lumbergh,

This is tricky. Most management hires I’ve seen have been internal hires. There are often issues with getting your ex-colleagues to listen. They have a hard time separating their mental image of you as the good-time pal you used to be; fighting the system you’re now a part of. There may also be some resentment that you got the promotion over them or someone they felt was more qualified. This leads to issues.

My advice: Fire someone right away. Prison rules, bitch!

But for serious, you do need to assert your dominance right away. People are basically dogs. Speak with confidence. You can Google several ways to fake confidence if you lack it. Don’t lose your shit and start chewing people out left and right like a crazy. Don’t just bark orders at people. I did this in my first management position and it did not work out very well; it just fosters that resentment. A good way to work on this is to make sure you’re explaining why you need your new staff to do what you say so they don’t think you’re just on a power trip. But you do need to let people know that you’re the boss now. It’s a difficult thing to do, but you need to establish yourself as an authority early and often.

But for the most part, there will always be those people on the staff who resent you and question everything you say or do. But fuck them. If they don’t like it they can go try being unemployed.

The only way I can describe the color is that it’s like mushed-up pumpkin pie.

Dear Color-Me-Befuddled,

Good to hear from you again, but I don’t remembered asking for clarification.

I have a sort of boyfriend in jail for murder. He will be in for another 3-7 years. I’m worried that if I wait for him, he won’t be able to find work when he gets out. Should I wait or see if I can find somebody who is gainfully employed etc.?

Dear Conjugal Connie,

People who tell you “love is all you need” have never really been in a real relationship. Even being unemployed for a few months put a terrible strain on my former marriage, and had it not it might not be my “former” marriage. I guess it really depends on whether or not you’ll have to support him financially when he gets out. Do you care enough about him to go through that? It’s a breeding ground for resentment. That being said, I don’t know if I can advise you to find another person if this guy is someone you really want to be with. If you do choose to move on, I hope your standard is just a bit higher than “has a job.”

This really is a difficult one for me to answer. If there is a possibility that you or your new gainfully employed beau could be in danger of retribution if you end this relationship then you’ll need to seek some kind of protection. I don’t know what to tell you here. Try not to get murdered.

My stepson is disrespectful and is destroying my home. I want him out. My husband does not. I understand, but I can’t live like this anymore. What should I do? I won’t make my husband choose between his and his wife, that wouldn’t be fair.

Dear Step-Bothered,

Is the army out of the question?

I guess there are really several questions I don’t have the answer to here. Is he old enough to be out on his own? Does he have somewhere else to go? Is his neck small enough for a shock-collar?

If the kid is under 18, then it really depends on if he has a safe environment to go away from your home. Is his mother still in the picture? A generous aunt perhaps? If there isn’t a better option, then you gotta do what you gotta do. The welfare of the child should be a priority, but if he can’t be reformed and made to behave then something has to be done. What that is, I can’t tell you. Only you can know what’s right for you. I do hate to see a marriage end, so maybe see if this terror is open to the idea of some kind of counseling if you can’t get him out of the house. I’ve never had kids, so I don’t know how to handle a kid like that. I banged a single mom once, but that’s about it.

I work in retail. I have this loud, annoying customer. I want to tell him to stfu, but I can’t. How do I handle this?

Dear Captive Audience,

Um… actually tell him to shut the fuck up?

But for real, you’ll always have those people coming in who want to be dicks and talk your ear off. Sometimes I just start walking away. What are you going to do, follow me to the loading dock? Fuck off. Maybe to be more polite, just say you have something you need to do and excuse yourself. Unless you’re stuck on a register. Then you’re kind of fucked. Sorry.

Are penises supposed to be purple?

Dear One-Eyed, One-Horn, Flying Purple Penis Eater,

Not that I’m aware of. We’ve all heard the expression “purple-headed yogurt slinger” before, but I don’t know where that comes from. Mine has never been purple. I’ll send you a pic if you like.

Also, do balls literally turn blue? Mine have always just been ball-colored.

I panicked and prematurely pulled the plug on a new potential relationship without discussing my apprehension first, and I’m experiencing regret. I don’t want to screw with his feelings, but I’d also like to see where this could go. Is it too late to speak up?

Dear Love Euthanizer,

Well, it sucks that you jumped the gun on that, but I would never turn my back on potential. It really depends on how much of a dick you were when you broke it off with this guy. As for screwing with his feelings, I would recommend trying wording it the same way you did here. Let him know you feel this relationship is worth exploring even though you acted hastily.

Just be sure not to make it seem like you want it to get serious if you’re not sure you do want to get serious. In that case you’d be screwing with his feelings. But no, when it comes someone you can genuinely enjoy being with, it’s never too late.

So that’s it for this week’s edition of Starr Crossed Advice! Get your questions in now for next week’s edition by emailingStarrCrossed@amillionandonemagazine.com. All advice given is 100% anonymous and anything goes. I hope to hear from you!

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